You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
