btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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