Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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