the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
