2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
