My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
