i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
