dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
