dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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