i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
