update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize