none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
