We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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