and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
