I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
