Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
