It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
