Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
