I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize