We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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