And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
