i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
