i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
