honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
