I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He did a backflip because drugs
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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