It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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