I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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