i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
