The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
