I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
