Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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