Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
