good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
