Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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