I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
