remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
