I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
