This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
