I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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