I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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