She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
