so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
