My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
