So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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