It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize