After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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