My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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