Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
