Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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