You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
