Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
