I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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