I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
