My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
