It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
