If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
