Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
