Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
