i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
