Betty ford says i'm here all night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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