I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
