i barfeds in our rink
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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