new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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