yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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