Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
